eVoLuTioNaRY BeiNG

as of lately

The latest in our lives is our vehicle died a slow and embarrassing death. It was the last 45 minutes of my trip home- the end was finally in sight after a grueling time- when the oil light comes on, the engine starts ticking and sputtering obnoxiously, and then it dies. Caput. Fortunately I was half a mile from an Exxon. After a few curses she started up again and I willed her to the median of a two lane highway. A friendly trucker and his female friend saw my struggle and helped me push her across two more lanes of oncoming traffic into the gas station parking lot. The story goes on and it is nothing short of frustrating and embarrasing for both myself and the xterra. It ends with us traveling at 40 miles an hour the rest of the way home, where upon our arrival the engine gave out for good. She was paid for. I don't think we even owned her for a year. So depressing.

In other news I got hit by a car while I was on my bicycle last Wednesday. I am bruised and banged up but I got up and walked away. Thank you Lord. It was my fault. I wasn't following the rules. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. But I got up and walked away. Thank you Lord.    

On a more emotional level I miss a lot of my friends that I have yet to connect with since the move. My "to do" list is miles long and aside from being laid up with a sore body from the accident, I don't even know where to begin. Here are just a few to dos: find a job, catch up on neglected correspondence, pay and organize bills, unpack our second bedroom, hang our art (which is the most personal of touches), organize a menu & grocery list (Shane and I have been to the store two times and forgot baking soda both times)... after glimpsing this list in parts my head hurts as much as my ass does.  

Awww Shucks

Right now I am in Lufkin, TX with two of my BFFs, Cory and Marlene, watching this ridiculously cheesy but eerily insightful show about teenagers called "Secret Life of an American Teenager". Molly Ringwald plays a mother. Wow- I am old. Pretty in Pink is officially a classic.

So my mom called me tonight just to tell me that I should write a book. She loves my blog and says that with just a few words she feels connected to me when she reads my writing. "You should write a book. Just start out small, like with a children's book." she says. Her praise puffs me up. Her encouragement charges my battery. Thanks Mom.

Tomorrow I leave for Tyler, TX to visit Jennie and her two beautiful baby girls. Third stop on this leg of the tour is Dallas to see my sweet grandmother. Fourth stop is Austin to see mi madre and hopefully pick up a little 'sumpim sumpim' for Shane. It's gonna be an awesome surprise! I just hope I can pull it off.

Soooooo I wonder what my children's book could be about??

Rain, Rain Don't Go Away

This is the fourth day in a row that it has rained here. The drip cadence and cool breeze seem like a personal gift from a not so secret admirer. So I sit on my back porch, sip my coffee, smoke a clove, and watch the rain pour down. It is very close to heaven. Thank you God.

haven't blogged much cause...

Things I have done so far this summer and reasons why I haven't blogged: finished up the school year, packed up and cleaned out a much lived in classroom, had a garage sale, said too many goodbyes, packed up a home that was very loved, had too short of a visit with my mother in Austin, and moved to McAllen,TX.

Things I am doing now during my summer and more reasons why I haven't blogged: trying to unpack and move into our brand new fantastic, gonna love it even more, home, eating bueno mexican food, falling off a step ladder and landing on my ass on the beautiful tiled floor, spraining my left foot and right wrist, pinching my left shoulder, laying up in bed surrounded by tons to do, getting my hair trimmed by "no Engles" Nora, playing the dutiful wife by sitting through 3 less than engaging services, and perfecting my smile.

Anchors Away

Two weeks ago I spent the weekend with my mother. She is truly one of my best friends in this world. As all friends do she can totally get on my nerves but I love her death. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her- almost. Anyway, while I was hanging out with her in Austin there were so many things that I wanted to blog about. Unfortunately I did not have the patience to wait out my mother's laptop which was being very stubborn. Well it has been two weeks and those thoughts still linger so here they go:

Things that I love about my being at my mother's house:

1. Her HUGE Wonderful bed and its magically soft sheets with five hurricane fans surrounding me

2. The endless supply of magazines and books to be dove into

3. Watching new release movies from the couch

4. Tickling my brother

5. My mother going along with my hair brain ideas

6. The city of Austin

P.S. Getting a tattoo that honors the two most important women in my life and constantly reminds me of the strength from which I come.

Austin City Limits

I'm in Austin with my mom, dad, & youngest brother Lucas. It is really good to be here with them. I just wish Shane was here as well. He has a job interview with a church in Mansfield in the morning. YEaH! I'm sooooo tired. More later. Goodnight.

Emotions are racing through me as I write. I can't tell you which ones are deceptive. I can't tell which feelings do me justice and which ones are there only to fail me once again.

I hate to think of someone I love hurting- even if the only pure thing they have ever done for me is hurt me. I hate to think of them as lost. It makes me ache. It tortures me to think that there is NOTHING I can do-  nothing that is any good for me or others that I love.

Love d0esn't win every time.

Straddling the gap between grace & reconciliation is difficult. I feel like it is splitting me in two. Eventually will there be anything left of me?  I don't know how to completely let go or maybe it won't let completely go of me.

Some days, like right now, I feel like I am faking it. All of it- the strength, determination, indignation...

God please guide me safely to one side or the other even though I desperately want them both to come together.